DON'T EVER WRITE LIKE THIS

Umbagog: A Fanfiction

Marie-Suzanne Diamond Ebony Toffee Windsong stepped into Umbagog on a late Sunday afternoon, hoisting her AK-47 over her petite shoulder. She had just parked her bright-pink Hummer underneath the sign, deciding to get out and walk despite the fact that her car was perfectly serviceable and the roads weren't bad. She wouldn't look like a badass if she drove in.

She patted the hood of the car, murmuring "that'll do, pig", slinging her bazooka, grenade launcher, heavy machine gun and katana over her shoulder. She tucked a pair of Desert Eagles into her pocket and started down the road, casually picking off zombies if she saw them.

Marie flicked her long, shimmering purple hair over her shoulder, glad she had decided to let her thigh-length hair blow free instead of put it in a ponytail. She put on her mirrored aviators, convinced that in her 6-inch thigh-high platform heels and miniskirt that she looked fucking hot.

"Help! Someone help!" A voice yelled.

"Someone's in trouble!" Marie cried, and she sprinted off in the direction of the voice, her ample breasts only barely kept in check by the corset she wore.

She reached a clearing and saw the source of the disturbance: a woman in a ski jacket only barely fending off a horde of zombies with her rifle, surrounded by a bunch of squawking ravens who were excitedly picking away at the horde. The woman spotted her and yelled "Help me!"

Marie raced into the clearing, pulling out her pistols. She slid on her knees, ducking under the reaching arms of some zombies, shooting and getting perfect headshots. She catapulted through the air, flipping and shooting more zombies, until all but one of them were lying dead on the ground.

She faced off with the last one. It cocked its head at her, no longer interested in the woman lying prone on the ground. It was at least a stage three. Maybe even higher. Marie pulled out her katana, waiting.

The zombie charged her and she sliced it in half lengthwise, the zombie not even noticing until the right half of its body slid away.

"Wow!" the woman on the ground said, "Thanks for saving me! I thought I was done for!"

Marie wiped a spot of zombie blood off of her cheek. "No problem," she said coolly. "I couldn't let an innocent come to harm."

"No, really!" the woman said, petting one of the ravens that sat on her shoulders. "If you weren't there, my goose would be cooked!" She stuck out a hand. "My name's Kate, but people around here call me Corpse-Eater."

"Corpse-Eater huh? That's a pretty cool name," Marie said. "I'm Marie-Suzanne, but you can call me Marie." A raven landed on her shoulder and nuzzled into her hair.

"Oh, that's Jane," Corpse-Eater said cheerfully. "She really seems to like you!"

As a matter of fact, a LOT of the ravens seemed to like Marie. They flocked to her, fascinated by her purple hair. She stretched out her arms and a dozen ravens took a seat on them, cawing happily. Marie giggled.

"Wow, I've never seen them be so nice to anyone other than me," Corpse-Eater said, smiling.

"They're pretty nice birds," Marie said dreamily, and the ravens cawed happily in response. "You'd better take them back though."

"When they like you that much? Oh, I couldn't. They'd be so unhappy," Corpse-Eater sighed.

"I can't travel with all of these," Marie said modestly. "And besides, they're YOUR ravens. I couldn't possibly just take them!"

"Then take Joe and Jane with you, they'll keep you safe," Corpse-Eater said.

The other ravens flitted off with only Joe and Jane remaining on Marie's shoulder. She smiled broadly.

"Thank you so much!"

"It's the least I could do," Corpse-Eater said, scratching the chin of a different raven. "Be careful now!"

Marie set off back down the road, eventually coming across a parked caravan of jeeps. A tall, dark-skinned man was changing the tire of a yellow one, cursing.

"Here, let me help," Marie chirped, deftly taking over the operation and changing the tire quickly and efficiently.

"Thanks," the man said, relieved. "Where the hell'd you come from?"

"Oh, you know," she said, giggling. "Elsewhere."

"Funny. Name's Jack," he said, sticking out a hand.

"Marie," she replied, shaking it forcefully.

He seemed amused. "We're heading up to the community. Want a ride?"

"The Community?" Marie asked, cocking her head.

"Yeah. It's a settlement of survivors north of here."

"Sounds like a great idea!" Marie said happily, jumping in the passenger seat of the vehicle. The ravens cawed and sat on the backseat.

"Nice ravens," Jack said, nodding. "Let's go."

The caravan quickly got back on the road, mowing down zombies in their wake. "So. New to Umbagog?" Jack asked.

"Yep," Marie said, her amethyst hair flying out the window. "Just drove up here from the South."

"The South, huh? Long way to drive."

"Yeah." Marie frowned. "My dad asked me to come up here and… eliminate someone." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Have you ever heard of someone called 'The Cat'?"

"The Cat?" Jack cocked an eyebrow, looking at her sideways. "Are you crazy?"

"Why would it be crazy?"

"The Cat runs High Society up here," Jack said, scowling. "He's got almost every Half-Dead of note under his wing. You don't go and mess with him, you hear me?"

"But—"

"No buts. You leave the Cat alone." Jack pulled up to the side of a fairly well fortified town with a tall church in the center. "This is our stop."

Marie pouted but got out. "Our? Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"We've gotta drop off some supplies." Jack smiled broadly. "We'll stick around for a little while."

Marie stepped onto the pavement, assessing the Community through her sunglasses. She liked small towns.

"We must exorcise these demons!" a priest yelled, waving a bible in the air. "The undead deserve no place here!"

"Who's that?" Marie asked.

"Oh, that's John. He runs the Community." Jack said, shrugging. "He's pretty cool, so be nice."

John had spotted them and smiled broadly, waving.

"Come on, Marie. Let's go say hi." Jack walked over confidently, grinning. "How are you old man? Going easy on the bones?"

"I'm younger than you," John said, scowling. "But I'm doing fine, thanks." Then, he noticed Marie. "Well, hello there. What brings you to our neck of the woods?"

Marie smiled demurely. "I'm not sure yet. I'm just scoping out the area for now."

"Sounds fine to me," John said, nodding. "I have some important business to attend to but everyone else is in the church, go make friends." With that he turned on his heel and left.

"He's acting kind of funny today," Jack said, shaking his head. "Nevermind, you need to go meet some of the other Survivors. They're pretty cool."

They entered the church and Marie was surprised to see that it wasn't a quiet, holy place. Instead it was full of people talking—and occasionally cursing—loudly.

"Aw, damn. I just remembered that I left some important stuff in the caravan," Jack said, smacking his forehead. "Just play nice, Marie. See you later."

"Ok," Marie said. She looked around, trying to see who to talk to first. A girl was sitting quietly and Marie, suddenly acutely aware of her own shyness, decided to sit down next to her. "Hi," she said, "I'm Marie."

The girl looked up at her, a quizzical look on her face. She got out a small notebook and started writing.

"I'm new here," Marie said, looking around. "It's a nice place, isn't it?"

The girl still said nothing. Marie was happy to keep on talking though.

"It's a lot different where I come from. It's also really nice to see some humans."

"She's mute," a SUPER SEXY voice said from behind her. Marie turned around and saw a tall, pale man with dark hair and some incredibly attractive scars on his face.

"Oh, hello," Marie said, smiling broadly. "I'm Marie."

"Gabriel," the sexy man said. He smiled, and said, "That's Lucy."

The girl looked up, scowled, and gave Gabriel a hearty 'whap' with her journal.

Gabriel laughed. "Hey, play nice."

"You two know each other?" Marie asked.

Gabriel nodded. "We met up a while ago and decided to stick together. Now the kid's practically my little sister." He ruffled Lucy's hair and she stuck out her tongue.

Marie grinned. "That's really sweet! I'm so glad that people can find a way to stick together even with all the zombies."

"Yeah, pretty much," Gabriel said. He cocked an eyebrow. "So. Are you, uh… Sticking around for a while?"

Just then a pair of dogs bounded up, intent to slobber and lick Marie to death. She shrieked happily and promptly patted the dogs on their head. "Oh, silly doggies! What are you doing here?"
"Bodkin! Beggar! Git down!" a young voice yelled, and a kid ran up. "Goddamn dogs—oh." He looked up, a bit startled. "Uh. Hi."

"Hi," Marie said sweetly. "I'm Marie."

"Uh," the kid said, blushing bright red. "I'm uh, Kit." He shuffled his feet nervously and muttered "I need to go do something uh… over there." And with that he slunk off, the dogs regretfully following.

"Someone's gotten herself an admirer," Gabriel said, amused. He patted Marie on the shoulder. "Here, I'll show you around."

He set off at a brisk pace, Marie following close behind and Lucy trotting after them.

Two older men were chatting with each other over in the corner and Gabriel led her there first. "Marie, meet Todd and Rory, our resident crabby old men," he said, clapping Rory on the shoulder.

"Gabriel, I swear…" Rory growled, but then cleared his throat when he saw his companion. "Why, hello there ma'am." Todd looked over and gave a pleasant smile as well.

"Hello sir, nice to meet you," Marie said, smiling warmly and shaking their hands.

"Oh come on now, no time to chit-chat," Gabriel said, giving her a shove. "We've got a lot of people to meet."

"Next up," he continued, "Is—"

"Lucy! Hey Lucy!" a voice called. A girl who looked around Lucy's age trotted up. "Come on, someone found a pack of cards!"

Lucy motioned to Marie excitedly, and the other girl looked up shyly. "Oh, um," she stammered, "I'm Miranda."

"Nice to meet you!" Marie said cheerfully.

Lucy grabbed Miranda's sleeve and gave it a tug.

"Oh yeah, the game," Miranda said, a little relieved. "Let's go!"

The two ran off and Gabriel smirked. "They've been glued together since day one."

"I'm so happy that people are coming together even after the apocalypse," Marie sighed.

The two moved on to a group of four women. "So I told John, 'Don't be ridiculous, rosemary is horrible with sweet potatoes.' He didn't believe me, of course, but—"

"Ladies," Gabriel said smoothly, "May I introduce you to Marie?"

The women turned around and gave Gabriel a warm smile, which immediately turned stony when they saw Marie. "Oh." The one who had been talking said, "Hello."

"Marie," Gabriel said, "Meet Jane, Ally, Kathy, and Svetlana."

"Nice to meet you," she said innocently.

The women smiled and said "Charmed."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment before Gabriel swooped in and decided to usher Marie away. "Don't worry about them," he purred. "They'll come around. They're just jealous that such a beautiful woman swept in unannounced."

Marie giggled. "Oh, Gabriel."

He swept her off to a group of people with dogs, who were chatting. Marie recognized the boy she'd met earlier among them. He spotted her and turned bright red, choosing to slink outside.

"Marie, Serena and Katja." The two women nodded.

Marie smiled broadly. "Marie. Do your dogs have names?"

Serena patted the head of her German Shepard thoughtfully. "Hercules."

"And this is Jackieboy," Katja said warmly, smiling broadly and scratching Jackieboy behind the ears.

"They look so sweet!" Marie said, clasping her hands. "Could I pet them?"

"Of course!" the women said in unison, and Marie was soon enveloped in warm doggie kisses.

Gabriel eventually dug her out from beneath the pile of fur and slobber and said, "We've gotta head outside, Jade and Tom are here."

"How can you tell?" Marie asked, stumbling behind him.

"Can't you hear the hoofbeats?" Gabriel said, and they exited the church into the blinding sunlight.

Outside, a pretty girl with black hair dismounted from a mule Pegasus unicorn. "Good job out there Tom," she said brightly, patting the unicorn's short, silken mane, "You really gave those zombies the runaround!"

"Hi Jade," Gabriel said, smiling broadly, "Meet Marie!"

The girl looked over and grinned. "Hello there! Name's Jade—well, gosh, I guess Gabe just told you that," she said, patting her unicorn's neck. "This is Tom! He's the best zombie-hunting partner I could ever ask for!"

"Is he… a real unicorn?" Marie asked, gasping.

"Well duh!" Jade said, smiling. "What else would he be?"

A young man with strange white patches on his face walked up. "Hi, I just heard from the others you're here," he said to Marie. "My name's Aaron."

"Nice to meet you!" Marie said, "Marie, but I'm sure you know that already."

"Yeah," Aaron said, laughing, "I guess you could say—"

"Someone please help me!" a young voice cried. Marie, Gabby, Aaron, Jade and Tom turned toward the voice, and saw a teenage girl running toward them in a panic.

"Whoa, hold up," Marie said, catching the girl's shoulders. "What's your name?"

"Joe." The girl sniffed. "Joe Bella Cerra." She looked around frantically. "I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen him?"

"What's he look like?" Marie said, putting her hands on her hips. "I'm sure we can find him."

"Well, um," Joe said quietly, immediately looking uncomfortable. "He's kind of, a, um…"

"HALF-DEAD!" someone screamed.

The five humans whirled around, looking into the center of town. John, looking very angry and very frightening, was dragging what looked like a man by his hands. He very well could've been a man, if it hadn't been for the bat wings and his strange eyes, which were totally gray except for the white iris. "Help!" it cried, "he's going to kill me!"

"Conrad!" Joe cried, looking extremely distressed.

"No, John!" Marie said, running up dramatically. "You can't harm a hair on his head!"

"This is a Half-Dead, Marie!" John snapped. "We must kill it!"

Marie scowled angrily. "Well then, you'll have to kill me too," she said, grabbing her shades and whipping them off.

Everyone gasped when they saw her eyes—one was a brilliant, shining emerald green, and the other was the gray and white of an Uber Half-Dead.

"Because I'm half Half-Dead," she hissed.

Everyone was in shock, murmuring what this could possibly mean.

"Wait, wait, wait," someone said, stepping forward, "How the hell does that make any sense? Zombies can't reproduce!"

"We don't know what they can do!" someone else yelled, "Maybe they're like vampires!"

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense," the first person said.

"Why are you here?" John asked, taken aback by the sudden revelation.

"My dad was a powerful Half-Dead who lived in Louisiana," Marie said sadly. "My mom was one of his… servants. She kept him from me as long as she could, but he found out eventually." She sighed, wiping a tear away. "To save my mother's life, he sent me up here to hunt down another Half-Dead… One called The Cat. I'm told he's up here somewhere." She looked up resolutely. "Help me find and kill the Cat!"

Everyone was quiet, muttering back and forth.

"You don't just go up and kill the Cat," John said with a half-laugh. "He's not a regular Half-Dead, Marie. He's an Uber."

"It doesn't matter," Marie said, sniffing. "I have to kill him to save my Mom and I'm not backing down." She turned on her heel, heading toward the gate to the Community. "And if you guys won't help me, I don't care—I'll just kill him myself."

"Wait!" Conrad said, flailing, "I can help you! I can get you in the Facility!"

Everyone gasped.

Conrad shook himself free of John's grip. "Yeah, I can! But only if you guys agree to let me go."

"Well, I guess we could," John said, "If she actually can kill The Cat."

They untied Conrad and he stepped away, rubbing his wrists. "Now, Marie," he said seriously, "I'm not going to take you to the Facility if you're not serious about this. The Cat has to go down."

Marie cocked her shotgun. "I'm half-dead serious."

Conrad nodded then. "Follow me then."

~~~

Conrad led her to a hole in the fence surrounding a large, government-looking facility and helped her crawl through. She was glad she was wearing all black—that much better for blending in.

Her new Half-Dead friend led her to a loose grate on the ventilation system and helped her crawl through. "Be careful now," he whispered, "A lot of the others are good at detecting smells so you wanna be careful."

They crawled through until they found an empty room to drop down into.

Or, at least, they THOUGHT it was empty.

"Hey!" a voice said, "What are you doing here?"

Marie whirled around to see a Half-Dead with weird legs petting a rat. "Who are you?" she asked.

The Half-Dead scowled. "Name's Frik," she growled, "And who the hell are you? No one just comes barging into my room."

"So sorry ma'am!" Conrad sputtered. "I'm just, uh… taking this human to the holding pens! Yeah!"

"Oh, ok then," Frik said, smoothing down the fur on her rat, "I heard Caroline needs some more humans, you might want to take her over there."

"Great idea!" Conrad said, grinning. "I'll take her there right away!"

"What?" Marie hissed as soon as they left, "That wasn't part of the plan!"

"Hey, Caroline isn't that bad! All the others are way worse!" Conrad snapped. "Most of the others would just eat you right off! Caroline's too hopped up on the drugs she found in the pharmacy to do anything really awful!"

"Whatever," Marie muttered, "Let's just find the Cat."

They set off again only for Marie to turn the corner and march into not one, but two female Half-Deads.

"Hey!" the first one yelled, a pale Half-Dead with a tentacle arm screeched. "Watch where you're going, you klutz!"

"Sorry!" Marie yelped, shrinking backward.

"You're lucky we're not hungry," the other one hissed. "Quinn, what should we do with her?"

"You're lucky today, worm," Quiin hissed. "Come on, Kitten. Let's go."

The two Half-Dead sauntered off, chatting about someone named Michael.

"Damn, you got lucky today," Conrad said, whistling low.

"Let's just go," Marie said, now completely irritable.

They narrowly avoided a Half-Dead chef who apparently went by the name of Laurent and then came to a majestic looking wooden door.

"This is the Cat's lair," Conrad hissed. He frowned. "I'm not going to stick around, I've heard he's really nasty when he's angry."

"Thanks for your help, Conrad," Marie said, kissing him on the cheek.

He blushed furiously. "Uh, thanks Marie." He turned to slink away before adding, "Good luck."

Marie pressed her ear up against the door, making sure the Cat was in there.

"Now excuse me," a new voice said from high above her, "What exactly are you doing down there?"

Marie jumped and looked up. A very elegant-looking Uber stood above her, looking down at her with a curious expression. "Oh!" she said, alarmed. "I—uh—"

"Child, rest easy, I'm not going to turn you in," the Uber said. "I am Two Sugars. What on earth are you doing listening at the Cat's door?"

"I—um," Marie stammered. "I'm um, Marie and I'm trying to see if he's inside."

"Well then press your ear to the keyhole, then," Two Sugars said, amused. He spread and fluttered his large, majestic wings. "It would be so much easier."

"Wow, thanks!" Marie said, grinning, and she did.

"Now, Lamia," a southern male voice said inside, "You know I only have eyes for you, dahlin."

Marie decided that he could only be the Cat so she kicked the door down, shotgun at the ready and was STUNNED…

…because the Uber Half-Dead sitting behind the desk was possibly the most HANDSOME man she'd ever seen. He stared at her, a bit taken aback by her sudden entrance, mouth slightly agape. He was missing half a face but DAMN if that didn't just make him sexier.

He tipped his hat to the naked Half-Dead lady sitting on his desk and said, "Lamia, a bit of… privacy please?"

She scowled but slunk out, her tail whapping Marie on the ass as she left.

"Now," the man said in a ridiculously sexy Cajun accent, "Who are you, darlin'?"

"Uh," Marie said, temporarily forgetting how to speak, "M-Marie."

"Marie. Lovely name," the sexy Cajun zombie said, "Most call me The Cat. You, however, may call me Michael."

"Michael," Marie sighed. She stepped forward, slightly.

"Why are you here?" Michael said, a little worried. "You look a fair way from home, if I do say so myself."

"My father sent me to kill you," Marie said, immediately ashamed. "I… I don't think I can, though."

"And why would that be?" Michael got up from his seat, walking over and crouching in front Marie.

"Because… I… I think I—"

"WHAT is she doing here?" a blonde-haired little girl with Uber eyes screeched, stepping out from behind Michael.

"Oh, no!" Michael moaned. "Not now, Sugarbell. Please…"

"No!" Sugarbell screeched. "Kill her! You need to kill her!"

"Who is that?" Marie asked with horror, pointing at the little girl.

Michael bowed his head, his face in his hands. "That's my Wendigo, Sugahbell. She's so angry… If I don't give in…"

"No!" Marie said. She crouched down on one knee, getting eye-to-eye with the demonic child. "You can't do this to him, Sugarbell! It's not right!"

"WHAT?!" Sugarbell screeched. "How can she see me? No one can see me but you!"

"I don't know!" Michael cried. "Just stop!"

"Look at him!" Marie cried. "Can't you see you're hurting him?"

Sugarbell looked up at Michael, taken aback. "I… I never realized I was hurting you."

Michael looked up, panting. "Yes. Yes you are."

Sugarbell's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, Michael. I'm so sorry!" and with that she leapt into his huge arms, and they hugged it out.

Michael looked up from his now sweet Wendigo and looked at Marie in wonder. "Wow. She's never been like this before. You… You fixed her."

Marie blushed, bright red. "I've just always been able to see everyone's… Wendigo, I guess they're called. Ever since I was little."

Michael frowned. "Why are your eyes different?"

Marie sighed, shaking her head. "My father was an Uber like you, and my mother was a human. That's why I look human, but I can see people's Wendigo."

"An Uber?" Michael said, concerned. "Where did you say you were from?"

"I didn't," Marie said, "I'm from Louisiana."

Michael gasped. "I'm from Louisiana too! That's crazy!"

Marie giggled. "Yeah, it is! Too weird!"

They laughed, Sugarbell deciding to sit on Michael's shoulders. It was almost perfect.

Almost, until an ugly Half-Dead who resembled a crocodile kicked in the door.

"Gunther!" Michael yelled angrily, "What the hell are you doing here!"

"I'm here to make sure you don't leave while the Master comes in," Gunther cackled.

"The Master!" Michael cried in dismay.

"Who?" Marie cried, looking to Michael for guidance.

"He was the Uber who raised me," Michael growled. "He kicked me out of Louisiana because he was afraid of how popular I was getting!"

"That wasn't the ONLY reason, little Cat," a deep, terrifying voice boomed.

"Oh no! It's HIM!" Michael yelped, backing up against his desk.

Marie was stunned for an entirely different reason. "D-Dad?"

The Master stepped into the room, looking properly terrifying. "Yes, daughter, it is I. Are you here to do my bidding?"

"I… I can't do it!" she cried.

"Why not?" the Master boomed.

"Because I… I LOVE HIM!" Marie wailed, clutching Michael's arm and burying her face in his jacket. "I couldn't possibly kill him!"

"What!" the Master boomed. "That's ridiculous! Hrm… Michael."

"What do you want," he hissed.

"If you kill my rebellious daughter, I will give you all of New Orleans—all of Louisiana—to rule."

Michael stared, taken aback. "All of Louisiana?"

"All of it, my boy." The Master purred. "I loved you like my very own son, you know."

"I…" Michael said, looking down mournfully at the beautiful, lavender-haired woman clutching his arm in fear, "I can't."

The Master stared, taken aback. "What?"

"I love her," Michael snarled, forcing his extra arms out of his jacket and getting down, ready to attack, "and you won't hurt her!"

Just then, the Underground, a militia from the Community, and the Corpse-Eater and her ravens burst in. "Leave the girl alone, you monsters!" Jack roared, firing up his flamethrower.

"No!" Marie cried, stepping between Michael and the humans. "I love him! You can't hurt him!"

Everyone was silenced for a minute. "Well," Michael said finally. "It seems we're at an impasse." He turned to the Master. "I don't want Louisiana. You can have it," he spat. "Just leave me Marie."

The Master looked down at him, saddened. "I didn't expect both of you to turn on me." He shook his head. "Be free, both of you." And with that, he left.

Michael then turned to the humans. "I mean all of you no harm," he said, cluctching Marie close to himself. "Marie is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and she could only have been brought to me with your help. So I thank you, and I swear that neither me or my zombies will ever threaten you again."

The humans were wholly surprised. "Well," Jack said, turning off his flamethrower. "Well damn. What do we do now?"

John looked at the two lovebirds, a fond smile on his face. "I have an idea."

~~~

Michael tugged at the collar of his tuxedo. "Ah you sure I look alright, Sugars?"

Two Sugars reached out and adjusted Michael's bowtie. "Positive, Michael." The doors at the back of the church opened, and both Michael and Two Sugars turned around.

Marie looked beautiful in her wedding dress. She was escorted by Jack, since the Master was back in Louisiana.

John went through the sermon perfectly, and began reciting Marie's vows.

"I do," she said, blushing furiously.

"And do you, Michael, take Marie as your lawfully wedded wife?" John said, looking over at Michael.

Michael smiled happily. "I do."

~~~

Michael woke up panting in a cold sweat.

He looked around him frantically, only to see Sugarbell doubled over in laughter at the foot of his bed.

"Sugahbell," he said, a completely serious look on his face, "I am SINCERELY sorry for whateveh I did to make you do that. I really am."

Sugarbell laughed harder.

And Michael never slept again.

The End.